Turn a Personal Attack Into a Productive Negotiation

Here is a four-step process designed to avoid confrontation and create a culture of positive problem solving.

by Raphael Lapin and Joy Kuhl

Finding yourself under sudden attack in a negotiation can cause you to lose your balance. You may be tempted to engage the other party in a dangerous spiral of reaction and counter-reaction-even at the risk of sabotaging discussions. Having a repeatable process at your fingertips that you can use in dealing with an attack will empower you to gently and productively guide negotiations forward.

Consider the following scenario in which a project executive of a large construction company meets with the owner and architect for the first time. The owner asks the project executive and architect for thoughts about things that might jeopardize the schedule and/or budget.

Architect: I mean no disrespect, but we come into this relationship with some concern. Your construction company has a reputation for delivering late, overrunning budgets and blaming both failures on architects. Our concern is that you will drop the ball on this job and then exhibit no accountability when problems arise.

Project Executive: That is not true; our company never delivers late or overruns budgets even though we have to deal with incompetents such as you all the time.

You can imagine where this interaction ends up as each one attacks and blames the other. The relationship is destroyed, the negotiation undermined and nothing is achieved leaving the owner rather unimpressed. Upon recognizing an attack, it is critical to resist becoming defensive.

We teach a process that involves four steps:

Step 1: Active listening

Active listening is a fundamental skill in interpersonal communication, and it is the first step to engage when under attack. It involves letting the other party know how you have understood them and then confirming that your understanding is correct. Consider how, in the previous example, the project executive might have responded using active listening.

Project Executive: It sounds to me that you have serious concerns about being blamed for problems that are no fault of yours. And, you are also concerned that your reputation will be unjustly tarnished. Is that correct?

Step 2: Understanding the other side's needs

The next step is to understand what is important to the other party. In the above scenario, the project executive could continue by asking probing questions to uncover the architect's needs.

Project Executive: If we move forward, tell me more about how you would like it to be?

Architect: We would like to feel that we are working as a team-frequent and open communication would probably help.

Project Executive: So if I understand correctly, you would like a more collaborative relationship in which there is effective communication, have I understood you accurately? (Active listening).

The loop of communication is complete upon the architect's confirmation. The project executive understood the architect, and the architect feels heard, understood and respected.

Step 3: Expressing your needs

It is now appropriate to make your needs heard. For instance, the project executive might want to share concerns about the architect's turnaround time on Requests for Information.

Step 4: Engaging the other side in joint problem solving

By this time, each side understands the other's needs and each side feels that they have been heard and understood. You are now ready to jointly search for solutions that satisfy your needs and theirs.

Project Executive: Let's brainstorm some ideas that could foster team spirit, create a strong communication system and improve RFI turnaround time.

Using this four-step process, the project executive successfully turned the situation into a constructive interaction-guiding the discussion towards collaborative problem solving.

Having a process that can turn a face-to-face confrontation into side-by-side problem solving is a powerful tool in negotiation. However, as in any skill development, to become proficient requires persistent practice and conscious application. Mastering the process and skills outlined here should assist you in improving your negotiation skills exponentially.

Lapin, principal, and Kuhl, partner, are partners in Conflict Management Inc, a San Jose-based firm that trains and consults in negotiation and dispute resolution for the construction industry.